Keep Blinking

Well, today is my first time writing on this blog.  I am excited to start. I have never been good at keeping a journal, and often wish I was one of those people who mapped out their entire lives in the private little book. So, I am taking the step to post on here regularly. I want this to be something people, especially my loved ones can look back at and share in memories, laughs, tears and just enjoy.

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together since the early age of 16. He is the love of my life, my best friend and father of my children. He owns my heart. I love him.

I am a mother of one very energetic, loving little boy, we will refer to him as "Gangen", as that is what he calls himself. I wont share the names of my kids on here or pictures of their innocent faces as you never know who is looking or reading. This is my pledge and promise right now, I wont invade the privacy of my kidlets on this site.

Life changed so much when I first found out I was pregnant with my little man. You never feel so many emotions at once, the good, the bad, the scary. Even when kids are planned the beginning of the journey is new and unfamiliar and there is no GPS of parenting. The entire pregnancy is a whirlwind of emotions, happiness, fear, uncertainty, and there is no relief like hearing your baby's heart beat each and every month to assure you that your little one is alive and hopefully growing well and healthy. I was a nervous wreck for 9 months, which I think most moms are.

I dealt with a great deal during my pregnancy, with my boy. My mother in law was very ill with Cancer and around my 4th month became gravely ill. We (my husband and I) along with nurses and other family pretty well moved in with her to care for her. We wanted nothing more than for her to witness her first grandchild, she never made it to witness his birth. This is something I struggle with a great deal. And will share my thoughts on as I go along.

The day my son was born was the happiest day of my life. It was also the scariest. Your fears in pregnancy don't fade when the baby is born, they transform. You instantly become fearful of losing your baby, which in essence would be losing your soul. I have struggled with my little guy growing up. Each and every day that passes reminds me of what truly matters. Life is short. And having kids makes life travel at ferocious speeds. I look at him and his innocence and think "where did my life go" I am going to be thirty next month (the half way to sixty birthday as I call it) and I can't get over how quickly we go from an infant, to a toddler, to a preschooler, to a prepubescent teen, to a teen, to an adult, its like blinking, you don't even realize your doing it. I want to freeze time, but its not possible, so you just keep blinking.

I am now pregnant with second baby, a girl. Now that let me tell you was a completely different set of emotions for me. A girl. A little me. I was a challenge. Girls come with so much more pressure than boys. I cried the first night, scared for her, scared for all the hurdles she will face as a female. The need to be perfect in the eyes others, even tho she'll always be perfect in ours. Choosing the proper friends and not ganging up on other girls, making and keeping friends, not making and keeping enemies. Will she be thin enough for society, pretty enough. Bullied, will she come home not wanting to return to school or will she make fun of others behind their backs. Will she hate me (well I know she will) but will she eventually love me again. I never had this with having a boy and it is scary. I already love her so much it hurts.

Having a child is honestly like having your heart walk around outside your body, who ever wrote that, couldn't have said it any better!

Well those are my thoughts for now, serious first post, I know.  Thanks for reading :)