Throughout my entire first 20 weeks of pregnancy I was convinced that we were having a baby girl. I was very wrong. I gave birth to an amazing, adorable and loving little boy. I said that I could never ever love another baby as much as him and that I was terrified as to how I would hide my abundance of love for him should I have any more boys. On the day of my sons second birthday party, I wasn't even late yet for that time of the month, and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I took the test and it showed as negative. I had not given it a complete 2 minutes before I tossed it on the floor in disappointment. I returned to bed. I got up an hour later and for some reason, call it divine providence, I went back into my washroom and picked the test up off the floor and I could not believe it. There is was the second faint line.
I was PREGNANT!!
This time throughout this pregnancy I was convinced we were having another boy. Again at my 20 week ultrasound we had the tech check the gender of our beautiful miracle. We were all in shock when we were told we were having a GIRL. Now a little history as to why we were so surprised, my husbands family has not produced a girl since the 60's. He has 7 cousins, they are all boys and all their kids are boys. Well not anymore. I was so excited. I went and bought her some outfits (which is much more fun than shopping for boys, in my opinion.) That night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mind was racing. I was crying and was just completely beside myself. I was upset that I was having a girl. I woke my husband who told me I was being ridiculous and to go back to sleep. He didn't understand. I know what being a girl is like and what we deal with growing up, the pressures of being skinny, beautiful, perfect in this society striving for nothing less than perfection. The bullying, the talking behind your back, having a best friend one day and the next having them turned against you. I was so upset, so worried, the world is going to destroy my innocent little girl.
After a few days I had calmed myself. I had reminded myself that I was blessed to be given another life to call my child. I became excited again. More excited than I was during my first pregnancy. I could not wait to meet her. To see what colour her hair was, how tiny or big she was and to just hold her in my arms and love her up. And when she arrived I did just that. The fear of not loving her the same as my son was gone. She owned just as much of my heart as he did, and the love is just as unconditional.
My daughter will be 7 months old in just a few short days and I think back to those few days and as real as my concerns were and are, I would not trade this piece of heaven for anything in the world. She is my sunshine and right now I am hers. As she gets older I will strive to ensure that she becomes an amazing young lady. A girl who isn't afraid to be herself. A girl who isn't going to fall victim to the pressures of society. A girl who is going to embrace herself for who she is, how she looks and who she is striving to become. I want to raise her to be a courageous girl who isn't afraid to stand up for someone else, to put her arm around someone who has fallen victim to the cruelty of this world and tell them they are worth it. I want her to stand up for what she believes and not given into the pressure around her. I want her to know that she is loved and accepted always regardless of what she looks like, her sexual orientation or what she decides to do with her life. I want her to be able to come to me for anything, to confide in me, trust me and to know that her and I together can conquer anything.
Children are perfect and beautiful always in the eyes of their mother, but all we ever want is for them to be safe and for the world to see them the same way we see them through our eyes. Because that's what they deserve, to be accepted by all and belittled by none, to be respected always and to always, always know that they are loved.
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